stealing joy

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted anything here. The longest yet. I've been thinking a lot about writing lately - writing or reading poetry and short stories, writing as a means of understanding medicine and human interactions. I want to delve into the newly-discovered world of narrative medicine. I should have some time to do so in the coming months, so we will see how far that goes.

In the meantime summer ended. The farmer's market made it's transition from strawberries and asparagus, to every green thing imaginable and berries, to squash and apples, and now it's gone. A chilly August was followed by a warm September and October (relatively speaking), but November  was ushered in with a freeze and I harvested all our potted herbs. The rosebush remains, two buds debating whether or not to bloom. My cooking followed the market trend. Transitioning from salads and things like these noodles to roasted squash, bean stews and all kinds of things with miso. The leaves turned and have almost all fallen, sweaters have migrated to the front of the closet, and I've initiated a daily ten minutes of sitting beside my SAD lamp. Autumn is verging on winter and I am determined to enjoy it by relishing in coziness as much as possible. I'm talking double socks, fun hats and scarves, casseroles and cookies, bubble baths, steam room at the gym, hot tea, poems like "November Night" by Adelaide Crapsey:

Listen. . 
With faint dry sound,
Like steps of passing ghosts,
The leaves, frost-crisp'd, break from the trees
And fall.

We already had our first snowfall, just a few days ago, it collected and stayed on the ground the whole next day, despite the brightly shining sun, deceptively not warming things up.

Actually, the first snowfall I saw was in October, but most people were asleep and it barely touched the ground before melting. I saw this beautiful snow - barely a fall at all, really a light drifting down, like a feather or crepe paper confetti - because I was up in the middle of the night on the labor and delivery floor of a community hospital, helping/learning how to deliver babies. Delivering a baby is one of the most magical experience I've ever had, and I struggle to describe it adequately. One doctor said it was like "stealing joy". There is something accurate about this, as it indicates that the doctor is still somewhat removed from this new family being formed. An integral part of the experience but ready to transform into bystander as soon as the whole visceral process is over. If you think of joy as something that is not diminished by being shared, but rather increases, then it sounds even more fitting.

But it's more than just the joy of new life (what a presumptive thing to say, just). It's the entirety of this most ancient ritual, born of complete necessity, drenched in blood and vernix (lit. 'fragrant resin'). The hours of the mother contracting, dilating, effacing, breathing. Teaching your gloved fingers to feel blindly for cervix and station, like digging through a bag  of cotton balls trying to find the one that is slightly softer. The absolute miracle of a newborn maneuvering through the cardinal movements of birth, filling his water-clogged lungs with air, remodeling his entire vascular system. A fish becoming a bird. When things go perfectly smoothly, it's seems the baby would have slithered out whether your hands were there guiding him or not (which does occasionally happen even in a hospital!).

That night, minutes after the baby was born, the nurse looked out the window and remarked, we had a little snow angel on our hands. I've delivered four babies so far. And yes, I am most definitely keeping count.

snow day

I know that many people in the Northeast must be annoyed by all the recent snow, and my sister in Nebraska is just sick and tired of it, but coming from Denton, Texas I have to say: Yay! It's snowing! It has been snowing all day long, and it's going to keep snowing all night. I mean really snowing. There are several inches of snow on the ground. I have never seen it like this here - it's so beautiful! This morning I walked to class only to find out that it was canceled (we Texans don't know how to handle this kind of thing), but it was so much fun to see everything covered in snow that I went back home to get my camera.

It's amazing how the campus was transformed - it was filled with the sound of children. Well, actually, there were no children but it was filled with that amount of joy and laughter. Even the few professors I saw had a hidden smile and a gleam in their eyes. At first I noticed people walking around with a snowball in their hand, just in case they saw somebody that looked like a good target. After a few hours there were large snowball fights going on throughout campus.  There were snowmen of all shapes and sizes scattered throughout campus (one of my favorites held a sign that said "I love global warming.") Some students stopped  to pose with thier friends for a photo in front of the Administration Building or library fountain.  A diesel pick-up truck made figure-eights in an empty parking lot. Everybody was so friendly. Usually we all just rush from one building to the next, barely noticing the people around us. But today everyone looked at me and smiled as if to say, "hey, isn't this great!?"

An extra note about those snowmen - there was also a phallic one in front of the fraternity houses. "True to the university frat. culture," I said to my husband, rolling my eyes. But he, the philosophy student, had a different interpretation. Here is his story: ancient Greek gods were often depicted with a large erect phallus. A prominent Athenian statesman and general named Alcibiades was accused of desecrating pillars with depictions of Hermes by breaking off the phalli. The city decided to delay trial so that he could continue on his planned voyage, defending the city of Athens against the Sicilians city. While he was gone his enemies within the city were emboldened and plotted against him. Suspecting an unfortunate fate Alcibiades did not return to Athens. Rather, he went on and became an advisor to the Spartans, ultimately leading to the fall Athens. --- So perhaps these modern "greek" brother were just trying to bring back the ancient culture, a sort of Athenian revival. 

When I came home from work in the evening it was still snowing. I stood by the car for a moment, alone, admiring the beauty, and the silence which allowed me to hear the snow melting from the rooftops.  I knew that by Saturday it would be 50 and sunny.